Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Why is saying/showing "I love you" so hard?

For those two people (out of five) who actually read this blog, you may not be aware but my dad is in the midst of kidney failure and has been for almost two years now. He has lost much weight and pretty much looks like a rather healthy zombie (or, from their point of view, a rather sick one). In the past year he has been to the ER about five times, a couple of them where we weren't exactly confident that he would return from the ER. I honestly feel at times that he is merely here simply because of the prayers that I know I offer up and also many others. The sad thing is that my dad doesn't take care of himself at all and it sometimes looks as though he's tempting the Reaper.

It used to be I had no trouble offering my dad a hug when he'd come home from work but as I've grown older it seems that it just gets awkward to do so. However, I have no problem hugging my mother or telling her, "I love you".

Last night, as I was going to bed kind of late, he came home early from work because there just wasn't work to do. We had a small conversation and then I just couldn't handle being awake anymore and told him I was off to bed. This news didn't hit him at all as he went on about a movie he and Mom had seen over the weekend. If you know my father, he can go on and on. Also keep in mind, if it were him saying he had to go to bed, he would simply just say so and leave and cut you off short. So I tried doing the same to him, even so far as walking closer to the exit. But it didn't curtail him. So I listened patiently. Well, when movie story was over he started on a new one about not believing what some people's kids have to go through as he saw a severely handicapped toddler at work (he works at the airport pushing wheelchairs). Finally I simply said, "I must go to bed. Good night!"

As I was entering my room I felt the strongest impression of love for my dad. He has been the greatest of fathers, always there to support his family, never raising a hand or belt to us though we may have truly deserved it, being faithful to my mother and being a faithful Priesthood holder. He's always loved us kids more than anything, sometimes too much what with his nervousness when we'd move out or go on extended vacations, but that's OK. I realize as I'm older there are not many people who can say as much of their own fathers. So I felt that I should go and give him a hug and tell him I loved him.

But I didn't. I just felt it would be so awkward, especially after having tried to get away from his stories.

So I've decided if I see him tonight I will give him a hug and tell him, "I love him" because it may not be an option in awhile.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Failing in my fan duties...

If you know me, you know that I LOVE Paula Abdul and have ever since I first heard "Straight Up" on the radio way back in the day. I finally met her in 2004 but I only have video of our momentous occasion. And when she was signing her autograph, we were in a rushed situation: both of us were late for our planes, there was lots of reporters, security, and fans and, of course, my pen wasn't working. Paula has a mad look on her face but that was because of the stress we were under. This pic is a screen capture that my brother enhanced. Therefore, I NEED another pic of Paula and I - a posed pic. Both of us are good looking and it's unfair that this happened.

Well, my opportunity has come up. American Idol did auditions here in Salt Lake back in July and tomorrow and Friday, Paula (along with the other judges) are going to be here! I asked the local radio station that plays Top 40 hits if I could sit in on an interview with Paula if that happened. They said sure, but this was back a co
uple months before the original interviews. This week it has been announced that there is no media or public allowed to the judging, which means no Paula photo-op. At the same time though, I realize that I could go sit outside the Delta Center (yes, I know it's now the Energy Solutions, but I don't care) to wait for Paula to show up in the morning, but I gotta go to work:( What a bummer!

It's kind of a consolation prize (not really, I'm just trying to make myself feel better) that a couple weeks ago I got my pic with HOT Cindy Crawford!! I just wish I had such a great pic with Paula.