Why is saying/showing "I love you" so hard?

For those two people (out of five) who actually read this blog, you may not be aware but my dad is in the midst of kidney failure and has been for almost two years now. He has lost much weight and pretty much looks like a rather healthy zombie (or, from their point of view, a rather sick one). In the past year he has been to the ER about five times, a couple of them where we weren't exactly confident that he would return from the ER. I honestly feel at times that he is merely here simply because of the prayers that I know I offer up and also many others. The sad thing is that my dad doesn't take care of himself at all and it sometimes looks as though he's tempting the Reaper.

It used to be I had no trouble offering my dad a hug when he'd come home from work but as I've grown older it seems that it just gets awkward to do so. However, I have no problem hugging my mother or telling her, "I love you".

Last night, as I was going to bed kind of late, he came home early from work because there just wasn't work to do. We had a small conversation and then I just couldn't handle being awake anymore and told him I was off to bed. This news didn't hit him at all as he went on about a movie he and Mom had seen over the weekend. If you know my father, he can go on and on. Also keep in mind, if it were him saying he had to go to bed, he would simply just say so and leave and cut you off short. So I tried doing the same to him, even so far as walking closer to the exit. But it didn't curtail him. So I listened patiently. Well, when movie story was over he started on a new one about not believing what some people's kids have to go through as he saw a severely handicapped toddler at work (he works at the airport pushing wheelchairs). Finally I simply said, "I must go to bed. Good night!"

As I was entering my room I felt the strongest impression of love for my dad. He has been the greatest of fathers, always there to support his family, never raising a hand or belt to us though we may have truly deserved it, being faithful to my mother and being a faithful Priesthood holder. He's always loved us kids more than anything, sometimes too much what with his nervousness when we'd move out or go on extended vacations, but that's OK. I realize as I'm older there are not many people who can say as much of their own fathers. So I felt that I should go and give him a hug and tell him I loved him.

But I didn't. I just felt it would be so awkward, especially after having tried to get away from his stories.

So I've decided if I see him tonight I will give him a hug and tell him, "I love him" because it may not be an option in awhile.